Building Dams for a Better Future in the Vail Colorado High Country
March 31, 2009 —
You know it has not been a good week when the happiest moment of the work week is when you realize at 3 p.m. you never ate your Fudgsicle from lunch.
At approximately 2:59 pm MDT, Thursday, March 26, while sitting at my desk, pondering the often-asked question of myself, "Am I too old to still be sporting a belly ring?" this week-altering event hit me like a bug on my scooter headlight: "Did I eat my dessert at lunch?"
I frowned, looked aimlessly to the ceiling, my head tilted ever so slightly and immediately thought the probability of me failing to consume a readily available dessert at its proper eating time holds a less than 1 percent chance in the world of Brook.
However the chances of me eating a dessert and not even realizing I had finished it because I am too busy doing something meaningless like checking Facebook or washing my turtles, happens no less then twice a week.
It appalls me to count up how many hard-working, good-tasting desserts fell on my deaf tongue due to my total lack of appreciation and concentration. I am a buffoon.
I'm sorry, Buddy, it will NEVER happen again.
Well I stood up, briskly walked to the freezer and opened the door. To my absolute delight, lying there in its non-descript white wrapper was my precious Fudgsicle.
I gently grabbed the treat, stroked it lovingly, whispered sweet nothings into its chilly exterior: "Don't worry, little buddy, soon it will all be over."
Then I realized that my odd fondling and hot breath were melting it at a mind-boggling pace. Quickly, I unwrapped it, started to consume it, and headed back to my desk.
Unfortunately for me (and the Fudgsicle) I am a direct descendant of swine and it was three-quarters of the way finished by the time I reached my destination.
This couldn't have been more than a 10-to-15 second, tops, distance. I'm pretty pathetic. Oh yeah, and I just typed 312 words discussing me and a Fudgsicle. Wow.
On a moderately more exciting note, Monday was the bowling championships for the Monday Night Football league at the Back Bowl in Eagle.
"Ohhhhh, how exciting," you may be saying sarcastically, but to you I say, "What exciting thing do you have to look forward to on a Monday?" Nothing. That's what I thought.
Now, back to my bitchin' story.
So Monday, our team OP7 was battling Elite Limo for the esteemed crown of bowling champion. Many have compared it to with the NCAA Men's Basketball Championship, but I think that might be a slight stretch.
I think it is closer to winning the Super Bowl.
Look for us to star in MasterCard commercial with Peyton Manning in the next few months. Or, if you see me or a teammate around town, drop us a Big Lebowski quote.
"I see you rolled your way into the semis. Dios mios man."
Photo courtesy of Brook Portman and NCAA
March 20, 2009 —
The time has arrived. I try to fight it, particularly this year since my team only managed to win two, yes two, conference games, but yet I cannot resist its charm.
Ladies and boys, it has been spring-like in the Vail Valley now for eh, let us say, six weeks, so not only do I think that that little bastard Punxsutawney the groundhog should be demoted to a cell with the wall street buffoons, but I am also ready for something that FEELS like spring.
Yes, that would be March Madness. Like a moderately attractive 20-something teacher stalking an underage boy, this little gem happens every year. I am loving it.
March Madness is the time I throw at least 50 bones away to mediocre brackets and score squares. It is also the time Dave routinely throws 150 bones away in an auction that in my opinion might be worse odds than playing Keno.
Every year I get a little edgy with my banker and tell him that for once, would he stop throwing our money away at this terrible concept. But then, in his sneaky, all knowing ways, he prods me to imagine what would happen if the ONE year he didn't participate and his group won. How would that make him feel?
Well, last year I was determined to put my foot down and I all but pleaded for him to keep our 150 smackers safely in the bank. He defied me....jerk. And then he comes home to tell me they got Kansas. Frickin' Jayhawks.
Calm down, Jayhawks fans (and I know too many of you). I know you teach your children to say Rock Chalk Jayhawks before they say mommy and daddy and really, who am I to judge? Crikey, I get tears in my eyes just imagining my little bundle of joy (or misery) making his first "Quack".
But in recent memories, I have seen your team lose first round to Bradley and Bucknell. Two points to any reader who knows what city and state BOTH of those teams reside in.
Sooooo, what happened? Memphis decides to put a can over the hoop when they are shooting free throws AND decides not to foul with a three-point lead and seconds on the clock, only to have the Jayhawks send it into OT and ultimately land some bones in my pocket. And to think, that could have been the year we didn't throw our money away ...
... damn you, Dave.
Well, as I am sure you can guess, the next few weeks are full of monitoring games on my computer, highlighters, brackets and endless sports analysis. Throw in a chocolate doughnut and a case of beer, and I am just about as happy as I am ever going to be in life. Ever.
Ohhh, that song from the movie “The Girl Next Door” is on the radio at work. If you have never seen the movie, then I suggest you watch it. Hilarious if you ask me. And trust me, I am one of those people who don't really like going to the movies. It is the movie with Elisha Cuthbert, who likes to date hockey guys and who Dave finds to be really dreamy. Check it out on the left:
Wow, that was really off subject. I can't believe I just posted a hot girl on my blog. I must really be secure with myself ... or just like looking in a mirror (joke ... total joke people ... I am way hotter than Elisha ... right?).
Well, I must complete my brackets and dream of beer and basketball. Speaking of, I would like to give a shout out to my big bro, Lance. Wait this is my blog, so I WILL give a shout to my big bro.
His basketball team, the Willamette Wolverines, went undefeated in regular season play and won the Oregon 5A Girl's State Championship a little over a week ago.
I was stoked when Fox Sports Northwest (thank god we finally get the Fox Sports channels) actually broadcast the game on TV. Many of the girls are heading to the next level, and I couldn't be happier for him and his team.
February 10, 2009 —
Remember me? No?
Well you don't have to get all Christian Bale on me now. I know it has been awhile, but yes, I am an amateur. No, no, I don't get paid for this. Foolish, I know....to waste all of this natural talent on a small group of elite readers. Listen, you don't have to make it personal. Sheesh, ok, I will try to write more often. Man, wear a diaper next time you are going to s**t all over the place.
Well doves, I gotta say 2009 has been nothing short of spectacular for the beaver of ski. First, before the New Year rang in, which by the way, was quite sad if you watched any of Dick Clark. The facial makeup, the dyed hair, the slurred speech, it made me uncomfortable. It reminded me of Britney's VMA performance 2 years ago......hard to watch, hard to look away. BUT, I am not here to talk of sad things. I am here to brag about my year. Crap, that is why I started this blog anyway.....so bored people at work would read about my craptacular life.
Anyway, before 2009 could kick me in the knee, the Quack Attack prevailed in arguably (well, I wouldn't argue with it, but I am sure some SEC fans would) one of the most exciting college football games of the bowl season. We looked like stank ass mixing in a blender in the first quarter, but luckily our defense helped keep the game close going into the half. Then, the Ducks lit it up in the second half, including our QB running into and over the defense and one of the sweetest runs of the season. Then, to cap it off, the Pac 10 won all 5 of their bowl games. I spent the next several days scouring the message boards listening to the various spins of why the PAC 10 won and Alabama lost to Utah. I'll tell you why....because Utah was a better team. The scary thing is our out of conference schedule for the 09-10 season is Boise State, Purdue and Utah. Ugg. Not even one gimme. Kudos for scheduling all D1 schools though.....kudos.
So, then came along the year of the ox. I felt like this year would be different, you know, with the exception to the recession, job loss, trillion dollar deficit, Obamamania. Well, this first big thing on the agenda for Ms. Skibeaver was LASIK. When I met Dave 9 years ago, I really had two purposes in mind to squeeze out of him: a shiny scooter and LASIK. As it has been well documented, I scored the scooter at the end of '07, so I was stunned when I was able to pull the double-double and land the LASIK in the early stages of '09. But low and behold, the roofies worked and Dave agreed to the expense. He made me sign a contract to not leave him after I saw what he actually looks like, but I have my attorneys working out that little detail.
So, while I was enjoying the laser light show involved in fixing my eyes, Dave went off to conquer another big feat for the household.....he purchased a MacBook. Thank god! Now, I swore I would blog more if I could sit on my ass in the living room, guzzling bottles of wine while watching 30 Rock and bond with you, the reader. But..... so far I having been doing it all of the above EXCEPT blogging, but instead rocking the Facebook scrabble. Man, scrabble rocks......oh, be right back.....I gots to play a word.
ZOOS. 36 points. Not bad....not a bad word at all......
My final accomplishment for early 2009 is by far the most surprising. If you have read any of my previous posts, I always ramble and wax philosophies about whether or not it would be worth it to lose 10 lbs and generally try to look better. I always thought it was a pipe dream and did not think I had the desire or will power to pull it off. Well, mostly thanks to Dave and his desire to drop to 175, I pulled off the miracle. I now officially weigh about what I did in high school. I would say I shaved off a good 9 lbs, which 6 weeks ago I would have deemed ridiculous. Granted, I still have an ass that won't quit, but what are you going to do about that, eh? I am still stunned. No jokes here ladies, I am actually pretty dang proud. What DID suck was giving up booze for 10 days. That, my friends, is stupid and will never be done again.
Well, I didn't mean to get you all jealous of my ginormous accomplishments. Wow, see, now I feel bad. Ok, I have to make this up to you. Hummm, what can I do. (Stares at ceiling, thinks about Tuaca....gets thirsty...takes a shot) I know! Have you been just racking your brain about what to get that special valentine in your life? Or, do you rarely buy gifts, but think that this year maybe you should for your one true love? Or, are you single, and are just tired of your farts stinking up the car? Well then do I have just the answer for you. Do what I did, I pick yourself up one of these on the right -- A Flatulence Filter.....Finally!
Yes, it is a fart cushion. You can pick one up at gasbgon.com. I just gave one to Dave last night, because we have a new car and it is only a matter of time before it smells of moist ski gear and farts. I got him the one with the baseball motif, because I figured his balls could then be on his balls. Catchy, huh?
I will leave you with this video for the weekend. I think we can all relate:
December 22, 2008 —
It took me about three days until Christmas to finally get in the spirit, but like Madonna in concert, I guess better late than never (cone bras not included). I've been stressed about finishing my gifts, keeping the cats away from the ornaments, winning at online scrabble, filling out my college bowl pool, and of course, maintaining a snow-free driveway. It is exhausting. But finally, as of today, as it dumps snow for the 18th time this December, I am throwing up my hands, sending my gifts late, and sitting back with a brewski in hand. Crap, I have 86 friends on Facebook...what else does a girl need?
Perhaps another reason I am now in a good mood is I am done shopping for food in Walmart until after Christmas. Now you may say, "yeah yeah, it can get crowded." However, I dare any one of you, the reader, to step foot in the Walmart here in Vail between the days of Dec. 21st and Dec. 31st, and not find yourself in the belt section, contemplating if the rafters could hold your frantic, 10lbs-heavier-from-the-holiday-cookie-eating body. It is indescribable how utterly insane that place goes the minute the second home owners and tourists show up. I have witnessed grown women crying in the isles, being consoled by their children. It is not a place for the faint of heart.
I am also in a good mood because as I type, I have a brand new shiney snowblower in the back of my ride. Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, gather around to witness the beauty that is Dave, by himself blowing snow into the street while I sit inside my warm home, at the window watching, with a glass of Van Duzer Pinot Noir in one hand, a foam finger pronouncing Dave as #1 in the other and a wickedly large smile on my face. Some dream big......I dream bigger…
(By the way, if that thing breaks down at any point during the winter, my tears may act as an acceptable substitute to salting the driveway).
I am a little stressed about one thing and I won't know the outcome until late in the day Dec. 30. You see, it is my beloved Ducks. You may not know, but they are in the Holiday Bowl in beautiful San Diego (that means “whale’s vagina,” in case you aren’t privy) and they are facing a solid Big 12 team, Oklahoma State. It has been an interesting year for the Quackers and I have often referred to them as a "mediocre" football team. I am only one of 14 percent of bowl pool entrants in my local pool to have picked them to win. Even my own husband took Oklahoma State (but Illinois didn't even make a bowl, so I will forgive him as this little pool would be his only great victory). But I have seen signs of greatness and I am hoping for a repeat performance of last year's bowl, when most people thought we were dead in the ditch after the loss of Dennis Dixon (now I am sad again) and we whopped the s**t out of South Florida.
BTW, if you are looking for a bandwagon NFL team to jump on since the Broncos are bipolar and the Bears are the Bears, may I suggest the Carolina Panthers? I have to admit, I didn't pay much attention to them until about five years ago when my buddy Darden introduced me to the Cardiac Cat call. Even then, I paid attention, but loosely rooted for them. I didn't love them, I didn't hate them. I was forced to cheer for the Bears (and Sexy Rexy, minus the sexy part), but I find it to be like rooting for the Cubs-unrewarding and full of dispair. Would it kill the Bears to draft a QB?
Well, then two things happen. First, the Panthers drafted Jonathan Stewart. He is my second favorite Jonathan Stewart, behind the one of Daily Show fame. Are they not both beautiful? Does it not make you hungry for a soft-swirl fro-yo cone?
Secondly, Dave placed a 50:1 odds bet in Vegas last spring that the Panthers would win the Super Bowl. 50:1. (Brook reflects for a moment) That could really buy me some solid temporary happiness.......or at least a bitchin' decal for my scooter next spring.
Well friends, enjoy the holiday and enjoy the bowl games. We are sticking around here for the holidays and look forward to some solid skiing. If I can leave you will one holiday gift, it is this: Remember, when life hands you lemons, drop them in your vodka.
My charity never ends.